| Winter 2010-11 - "You Made Me" & other Red Flag Phrases, Empowering Book Picks, Q&A on Coaching in Financial Crisis |
|
Dear Sensitive, Intuitive, Empathic Friends, I'm so glad to have you aboard the e-community. If you have not read all the prior newsletters, you may find some of the archived ones to be interesting. They are listed on the main page of www.jennaforrest.com on the right hand strip about halfway down. For those who have just joined the newsletter list, the focus of this community is on realizing that as sensitives, intuitives and/or empaths, we are warriors in training. As we overcome enormous odds that most others will never understand, we get molded into people who not only understand the plight of humanity, but have the power, strength and wisdom to be of great service. We can only serve when we've learned to heal our bodies and reclaim our mental and emotional health. If you are going through a time of heartache or other crisis, remember to call for divine guidance to lead you through this difficult time. Watch for signs, coincidences, benevolent reminders that you are loved by a great force in and beyond this Earth. Know it or not, you are a warrior and the skills you learn from your time of great challenge will bless you in future years! Do not let go until the blessing comes!
So, here we go! (Imagine a sleigh pushing off...or for those of you in the Southern Hemisphere, a beach ball rolling across the summer sand...) With the highest love--from the divinity in me to the divinity in you, Jenna .............................................. RED FLAG PHRASES What is a red flag phrase, exactly? I guess I would define it as a recognizable set of words that signal to you a lack of authenticity in communication. Why is it important to learn about these types of signals? Simply put, to stay empowered. As sensitive empaths, our walk toward mastery of our sensory intelligence involves developing awareness of how we interact with others. Let's begin by looking at the root of this communication issue. We live in a society where our media commonly displays a level of contempt for pure human vulnerability. This has led to a world full of people who feel something between discomfort to outright anxiety around expressing their genuine feelings. As HSP's and empaths, we can feel especially unsafe and a sure target when we try to stand in our own truth. What this translates to in day-to-day life is a general fear of speaking our feelings from the heart. Through my years of counseling as an HSP, I learned how so much of my language never included a single feeling! I learned that I didn't feel comfortable being that vulnerable. I didn't feel safe. But just as importantly, I wasn't recognizing how the people around me weren't speaking from the heart either. They were using a lot of red flag phrases instead! Most of us have used red flag phrases at one time or another, perhaps without even realizing what was going on. And we have also heard these phrases from our friends, co-workers and family members. So since most everyone has said these things, there are no victims here, and no bad guys. We are all imperfect and we are also all forgiving and deserving of forgiveness. It is called being human.
Below, I've listed a few common phrases that block authenticity. Reading them may bring up images of people in your life, or reflections of yourself. They may bring up old memories and hopefully allow you to see yourself and the people in your life with more compassion and also with more wisdom about who you choose to spend time with. The next time you say or hear any of these phrases, you might notice that you have a fresh awareness of what is truly happening. Again this awareness is not an exercise for us to judge ourselves or others. My spiritual teacher would say that self-judgment carries as much ego in it as judgment of others. How humbling is that? As you read on, keep in mind that empowerment tools, like power tools, can hurt people if they are used incorrectly. Avoid the temptation to attack or label your loved ones or friends. It is the way of wisdom to be able to quietly recognize what is happening inside a conversation or communication style so that you may begin to make healthier choices if you so desire. PHRASE ONE - INVOKING SHAME "I was disappointed that you did that." "I am disappointed in you." Disappointment is projected shame. Notice that disappointment is not a feeling. It is a judgment. Rather than sharing an authentic feeling about a situation, such as; "When I saw you tell my secret to your friend, I felt ashamed, angry and deeply hurt," shame is transferred to you through a red flag phrase. Another version of a shaming phrase is, "Shame on you," as in "Shame on you, you said you would take care of this and you didn't." What to do: If someone says they are disappointed in you or tries to place shame on you, recognize their own unexpressed shame and anger with compassion. Apologize for whatever you did that was not in integrity and do your best to make it right as soon as possible. Then let it go. If this person becomes smug or acts vindicated and continues to try to shame or blame you for something even after you apologized and corrected it, recognize this as symptomatic of their insecurity. If this carries on, it is best to gain distance from this person, at least until they have fully let go of the situation and can interact with you cleanly.
PHRASE TWO - CONTROLLING "You need to..." As in, "You need to lighten up and relax" when you are trying to seriously discuss something important to you or "You need to get that done so you can do this" (assuming what you are doing is not important and that you should be doing something they see as more important based on their values and opinions.) It is often hard to recognize "you need to" statements as controlling behavior because they often come from someone who is well-meaning and just offering advice. What allows the HSP to know this phrasing is unhealthy is to first recognize that this person who gives advice does so without being asked for it. The second clue is to watch your body language around this person. If the "you need to" phrase is being used to control you, your heartbeat might rise, you may sweat with overwhelm. You may feel your shoulders hunch forward in self-protection when talking to this person and find your life force draining. You will feel yourself seeking escape. The third clue is that you find the need to explain or justify what you are currently doing and why you feel it is important. You will find yourself trying to prove to this person the value of what you are doing or choosing. What to do: In the kindest way possible, help the person to understand that you had not asked for advice and when you would like advice you will ask for it. Because this is a new boundary that you have never laid, this person may react with anger and not understand what you are saying. Repeat your boundary with compassion as needed and watch to see how your body language relaxes around this person over time.
PHRASE THREE - DISEMPOWERING "Relax, I Was Only Joking." Like backhanded compliments, sarcasm is a common tool of a passive aggressive person who expresses hostility aloud, but in socially acceptable, indirect ways. If you show that you are offended, the hostile joke teller plays up his role as victim, asking, "Can't you take a joke?" Other phrases like, "You looked better in the other outfit" or actions like buying something for you that they know you hate creates confusion, self-doubt and uncertainty in you. The passive aggressive person will block your attempts to talk things through in a safe, respectful environment like with a counselor or mediator. This is a red flag of highly toxic behavior. This is especially toxic for the sensitive empath who naturally senses and absorbs lower vibrating thought forms like schemes, games, mind tricks and manipulations. An HSP will often attract a passive aggressive person as an opportunity for the HSP to define healthy boundaries and learn the art of letting go. What to do: If you find yourself in a no-win, draining, disempowering pattern of communication with someone who continues to sabotage authentic talk, beware. Whether it is twisted logic, submerged anger, intentional betrayal, casual lies or convenient forgetting, this type of behavior is highly dangerous to the empath who will do anything to get to the truth and see a situation fixed. The best thing you can do is to genuinely address the fact that you understand that the behavior (not the person) is called passive aggressive. Explain that until the behavior changes, you have to be responsible to yourself and keep your distance. Because of the elusive, evasive nature of the passive aggressive personality, it is not possible to "fix" this behavior in a person. Attempts to aid or assist just become part of the game. The individual has to want to wake up from it and learn better ways on his or her own. PHRASE FOUR - INVOKING GUILT "You made me..." Guilting phrases like, "You made me...," "For all I've done for you...," "It's the least you can do," and "I need you" leave the HSP to feel personally responsible for someone else's life. This is an easy trap to fall into because the sensitive empath can feel firsthand the plight of other people. Sensitives are often pulled into the role of becoming the fixers, healers, saviors and peacemakers of the family. Once the role is practiced over time, it becomes second nature and expected and relied upon by family, romantic partners and even friends. This fixing nature can become enabling, leaving the people who are "guilting" them to stay stuck in their feelings of weakness and need. This is common in households where there are addictions of one kind or another. It is symptomatic of adults not taking responsibility for themselves. What to do: Be clear that it is up to this person how they feel and choose to respond in any certain situation. Share that you are not responsible for their feelings or their failures, accidental or not. You are only responsible for your own. You can share that as a grown adult, it is important that they find their own solutions. This response, like the others, will likely bring in a dramatic response of anger or negativity and further guilting. Many HSP's come from households where there were no boundaries set in any of the relationships, and therefore it is shocking to the family when the sensitive one begins to set new boundaries. You will likely find yourself tested over and over by those guilting you until you completely resolve your guilt and become free from that feeling. In all of these situations, intuitive coaching, core belief clearing and energy healing can assist by clearing these old family patterns and belief systems that keep everyone stuck in unhealthy cycles. An important thing to remember is that if you see something that needs to be healed in someone, the most effective thing you can do for them is to heal yourself. As you change and grow, everyone connected to you also experiences a shift and is challenged to grow. Books that help sensitive empaths identify and work with red flag phrasing: Boundaries - When to say yes, When to say No, To Take Control of Your Life The Angry Smile: The Psychology of Passive-aggressive Behavior in Families, Schools, and Workplaces
|
Ok, sensitives, are you ready for another empowerment tool? I've been thinking a lot about the best thing to feature in this newsletter around the holidays...and as usual, the topic revealed itself very clearly! Through some communications I've been witnessing of late, it's become apparent that it's time to cover 'Red Flag Phrases'! What better a time to cover the topic of healthy communication than when many HSP's are traveling and spending extended time with family, (wink smile). ;)
We can remember that rarely is someone purposefully trying to hurt or manipulate us. If they are it is because of their own fear and shame around expressing their feelings. This newsletter isn't being written to target or tear down the people in our lives who may have used these phrases. Nor is this newsletter feature designed to make HSP's feel ashamed, bad or regretful of what we have said in the past. It's to educate and empower us all to communicate in more healthy ways.